Blitzkrieg Blog One

During the course of the match I’m going to write some lightning- quick updates on the action.  It’s fair to say that I’m more than a little pleased with myself for coming up with the pun- tastic title for these shorter entries.   If only I’d thought of it when we were still playing at the GABBA, hey?

Nice one Maxee.  Why thank you.

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Day one has been a dream.  In a contest that should be re- billed “England versus Hussey and Hadin”, we have the old enemy in a head lock so tight that the flow of oxygen is almost cut off already.

Now, I’ve met Simon Katich and whilst I can confirm that he’s a bloody lovely bloke, he’s not the sharpest knife in the block: far from it.  He managed to prove it today by getting run out before facing a single delivery.  Ponting then tragically deprived us of seeing another batting master class as he went for a first ball duck.  Clarke soon followed and it looks to all the world that the long term Captain-in-waiting might have to retire on the grounds he has the body of a 90 year old woman.  It’s a cruel irony for the man known as Pup because of his resemblance to a young seal being eaten by a shark.  Sorry, no...  It’s actually because he came into the team so young and looked so youthful and I guess that’s where the irony lies when you think about it.

Hussey and Hadin rallied but not to the extent of last week and England dismissed the Cons for 245.  Pretty good effort that.  Anderson was just beautiful but everyone chipped in with wickets and the fielding was superb.

Swanny took two wickets on Day 1 and got some turn and bounce which bodes very well for the latter sages.

Reflections on Brisbane and how a pub door set up the Summer of 2005

If I’m honest, I got a bit bored reading back my ‘report’ on Day 1.  I’d hardly be deserving of the label ‘Alternative’ if all I did was report on the day’s action.  I’m certainly up for a bit of reflection on our performance but I’ll follow it with a Second Test related story that sounds great in my head and will hopefully transfer well to the page.

Some drawn matches feel like victories whilst others have a tiresome sense of inevitability about them.  Cardiff in 2009 was like a resounding victory as battling Monty Panesar and Jimmy ‘The Wall’ Anderson saw off the Aussie’s final 69 balls.  The result was as crucial as any win and helped to set up our eventual 2-1 series victory.  Other high scoring affairs, like 4 out of the 5 Tests on our dull tour of the Caribbean in 2009,  disappear up their own arses in boring run- fests.  This Test match is the first that I can remember that had both.  With a 221 run deficit to overhaul, the feeling of victory snatched from the jaws of crushing defeat occurred on Day 4.  Strauss and Cook played gloriously and most, if not all, of the hard work was done.  By Day 5 the Australian bowling attack looked like a pub team and the pitch was never going to give them the help they desperately needed.  Mitchell ‘Slugger’ Johnson looked so comically bad that we can only hope he keeps his place in Adelaide and turns in a similar performance.  (STOP PRESS: Punter has just confirmed Big Mitch has been dropped – damn!)

There were two crucial turning points from the purely partisan English perspective:

Firstly, Pretty Peter Siddle’s hat trick meant that our probable first innings score of a below par 350 was reduced to a very below par 260.  No arguments, it was a brilliant spell of bowling but there was more than a little luck involved.  Siddle is an angry, aggressive and useful bowler but he’ll never be one the greats.  Unfortunately he had his greatest ever day on Day 1 of this Test Match with a little help from Matty Prior's shot selection.  By days 4 and 5 he'd returned to his normal average standard.

Secondly, England came out and bowled beautifully with the new ball on the Day 3.  Jimmy had an LBW against Hussey correctly overturned by a whisker on review.  A couple of balls later, he had him plumb.  It was so good he got him out twice:  Once on each pad.  Umpire Dar gave it not out in a decision mainly influenced by not wanting to be proved wrong on appeal twice in two overs.  Hussey went on to make 195.  If that decision had gone our way I believe we would have bowled Australia out for around 320 max, cosidering the way we riped through their top and lower order.

So we move on to Adelaide knowing that our top three are in good form and that the Oval down there in South Australia should mean your hero, and mine, Graham Swann comes into things on days 4 and 5 after a batsmen friendly start to the Test Match.  Winning the toss will be very useful.


My promised story relates to the Second Test in 2005 (a tenuous link, but one I'm prepared to exploit).  I’d handed my notice in at work that summer so I could watch every ball of the series before setting out on a round- the- world trip of a life time.  The First Test had provided a reality check but, with the Second Test going our way, my flat mate Perksy and I had started to step up the pace.  We spent Friday watching every ball and drinking our way through one or two crates of whatever was on offer in Tesco’s whilst enjoying various other indulgences.  Saturday kicked off like every other day of that series would.  One of us did the beer run whilst the other made a fry up.  Our bodies were simply temples of cricket watching and excessive consumption.  With England progressing to what looked like a comfortable victory, Perksy went off to join his then Girlfriend (now wife) and another couple for a romantic picnic by the river (there are some things I'll never understand about him)!  I spent the evening baiting Australian tourists around Stratford upon Avon with my repertoire of Barmy Army standards learnt at Edgbaston over the previous couple of years.  The next morning I woke up fully clothed on top of my bed with a pizza box stuck to the side of my face and went into the living room to see that The Aussie’s had rallied and were on the brink of victory but with just one wicket in hand.  I frantically called Perksy around 100 times or more only for it to go straight to answer phone.  I eventually threw myself to the floor in a dramatic dive that Christiano Ronaldo would have been proud of and watched the rest from ground level.  I was really very upset at the time that my partner in crime had let me down so badly.

Meanwhile Perksy’s night had gone ‘something’ like this...  The romantic picnic hadn’t gone as planned.  With a belly full of Ale, the poor lad had done himself a mischief and ended up skinny dipping in the river Avon.  Later he'd tried to enter a number of public houses only to be refused entry.  Recognising the injustice of the situation Perksy had enthusiastically rapped on the 15 foot Oak door of one of the pubs with his knuckles.  It was nothing more than a polite gesture designed to capture the publican’s attention.  However, the rest of the night and the following morning was spent in A&E having his broken hand fixed where he, evidentially... had no phone reception.

When Michael Kasprowicz nurdled a leg side glance into the hands of Geraint Jones I was crying with joy whilst Perksy was just leaving the hospital unaware of the drama that had played out at Edgbaston or in our front room.  However the cloud had a very silver lining as Perksy was signed off work for the remainder of the series, unable to carry out his duties as the UK’s least successful Travelling Photo Copier Sales Man.  Hence our routine was cemented for the entire Summer.  That wonderful Summer of 2005.



Perksy: Legendary England Cricket Supporter



Day 1: A Quick Capsule Review

I sat up on the sofa with a blanket over my legs like an old age pensioner that somebody had forgotten to put to bed.  The build up on Sky Sports was like foreplay.  However when Andrew Strauss cut the third delivery straight to Hussey in the gully it was as if I’d accidentally head butted my metaphorical partner and brought the titillation to an abrupt halt.  The next two hours were a trial, knowing that any further wickets that fell were going to make the session a real struggle.  Jonathan Trott came in and played a very un- Trott like innings.  He scratched around as per normal but never really relaxed.  He was lucky not to be out twice before Watson cleaned bowled him with one that nipped back a foot off the Gabba pitch.  First he sent an edge to Haddin that was so thin it wasn’t visible to the human eye or apparent to the batsman himself.  Technology provided us with the tiniest of hot spots and the faintest recognition from Snicko.  He also enjoyed the benefit-of-doubt when a referred decision showed a Siddle delivery only just clipping his leg stump.

Enter KP and it wasn’t long before Punter threw the ball to Xavier Doherty to test our Kev’s resolve against some slow left arm bowling.  His first ball was a ripper that bit back at Alistair Cook but after being stationed in the gully for the next over he juggled a regulation catch that should have seen Cook out cheaply too.  At that stage it was likely his confidence could evaporate into the Queensland sky.

We made it to lunch on 74-2 and the session was the Aussies but only just.  KP and Cook both looked good and with a decent second session we could have been well in the ascendancy.  I went to bed and dreamt I was the England number 5 but I’d lost my pads when it was my turn to go in.

Perksy was kind enough to text me at 5am with an update.  Again it seemed like a session just edged by the Aussies but at 174-4 things were well balanced.  Incidentally it was Siddle and not Doherty that claimed KP’s scalp for 43.  If we had one good partnership, we’d be well on the way.  If something stupid happened like, say, Peter Siddle ripped though our middle order with a hat- trick we would be in a whole load of bother.  I went back to sleep and dreamt I’d made it to the crease but my bat was too heavy to pick up as Shane Warne bowled at me from the Vulture Street End.

When I woke up to hear what had happened in the final session I was pretty crushed.  As today has passed I’ve reflected more and discussed it with my close confidents.  The main positive is Ian Bell.  He never looked like getting out for Warwickshire in the last few weeks of the county season and he still looks like he’s in the form of his life.  According to all the respectable newsmen he was nailed-on for a century had he not had to force the pace as the wickets fell.  KP and Alistair Cook looked in good form too but it was disappointing neither made the most of the starts they got.  As for Andrew Strauss:  It happens.  He’s in great form and will bounce back next time.  Trott is a slight worry as he’s made double figures every innings on tour but not converted any as we’ve come to expect.  Throughout our good recent run of form we have often relied on our lower middle- order to convert mediocre scores into respectable totals but an exceptional spell of bowling ripped through them and we now have to defend a substantially below par score.  But for Pretty Peter Siddle's magic spell we'd be looking at 350 and feeling a lot happier.

Let’s hope Jimmy in particular takes note on where Siddle pitched those wicket taking deliveries.  My genuine prediction from here is that a solid England bowling performance will restrict the inevitable first innings lead for the Floppy Greens before Andrew Strauss plays one of the great Ashes innings of all time to put England back on top.

I’m reversing my tactics tonight and getting an early night so I can be up to watch the last session of day 2.   I’m at it again, however, imagining just how good I’ll feel if I wake up to see England batting again and not Australia 250 odd-2 or 3.  Come on England.  Do it for me, Princess Kate Middleton, Winston Churchill, Perksy, that gay lad off the X Factor from South Shields, Judas Priest, World Cup Willie and everyone else who represents what’s good about England!

Time For Talk is Over

There’s just one hour to go until it all gets underway.   I’ve exchanged my last texts with Perksy and got a bit choked up listening to Gladstone Small recounting a catch he took in 1986. Now The Ashes dominates our lives until 6th January next year.  Personally, I hope we’ve already won (or at least guaranteed retaining) them by the time the final Test in Sydney gets underway but then I’m wonderfully optimistic as already eluded to.  All day, I’ve been humming Jerusalem and I’ve been more than happy to explain the little curiosities to my uninitiated colleagues.  Why is the trophy so small?  Why’s it called the Ashes?  How come the same teams qualify every year?  Bless them.  The hairs on the back of my neck have been vertical all day.

As much as I love the banter, I’ve been trying to consider why I love this series more than other Sporting rivalry.  For lots of people the nature of the rivalry is represented by the iconic 2005 image of Freddie Flintoff consoling Brett Lee at Edgbaston but there was a more pertinent moment at The Oval in 2009 that does it for me.  You’ve read how I like to bait The Aussies and in particular Ricky Ponting.  I experienced the intense rush of excitement when Harmi sent a bouncer through his visor at Lords on the first morning in 2005.  I’ve sung the songs about him and Glenn McGrath being romantically involved and I could watch the Gary Pratt run- out all day long.  But I’ve never been as proud as when the entire crowd at The Oval gave Punter a standing ovation after his final Ashes innings on English soil.  It demonstrates the respect Cricket fans have for each other and the guys in the middle.  Rivalry was put aside to recognise a legend.  It’s the reason I love cricket more than any other sport.  Warney, Langer, Hayden, Brett Lee, Gilchrist and even Jason Gillespie:  The banter will never stop but my respect is without boundaries.  If Glenn McGrath would stop predicting 5-0 before every series, I’d add him to the list.

It was important to say that.  If for no other reason than my future in- laws might be reading this in Sydney and consider retracting their blessing in the light of what I’ve already written!

The first morning is going to be vital in setting the tone for the series.  The recent memory of Steve Harmison bowling his first delivery to second slip needs to be erased quickly.  It’s a psychological advantage the Aussies hold over us and we all know how that series panned out.  Just a thought, but I wander if any Indian bookies took a massive punt from a man with a Geordie accent on the first ball of those Ashes being a wide?  To a cynical observer, it certainly looked like he made sure.  Of course this is never to be considered and I feel dirty for even joking about it.  This is The Ashes after all.  It was the culmination of some terrible preparation and a lot of nerves.  Thankfully 2010’s build- up has been the antithesis of 2006.

Four years earlier Nasser imagined some low cloud and chose to bowl at the Aussies who made 364-2 on the first day and the writing was on the wall for another monumental failure.  1986 was the last time England had a good first day in Brisbane and it was the last time we returned home with the Urn.  1978 was even better where we had the Aussie’s 26- 6 on the first morning after they chose to bat.  We went on to hammer them 5-1.  If anything like that happens tonight I won’t be able to contain myself and I definitely won’t be sleeping.

Here’s hoping we win the toss first and foremost.  Then by the time England wakes up tomorrow morning, we’ll have made around 300 runs and we’ll still have two recognised batsmen at the crease.  I’m getting excited (very excited) just thinking about it but it’s time to stop imagining and start witnessing the reality.  Maxee predicts 3-1 England.  Come on the boys. 

Australia reduce squad from 'Everyone' to just 13... &my first ever exclusive.

It has been a perfect week for England who thumped Australia A by 10 wickets.  KP lulled the Australian selectors into a false sense of security and tricked them into picking a slow left armer with a frist class average of 50.  Meanwhile the rest of the batting line up clicked as Ian Bell top scored with 189.  Our back- up bowling attack also looked good as they put Aussie Test hopefuls to the slaughter.  One of them just may have to emulate Gladstone Small’s cameo in the ‘85/’86 series (he came in last minute for the injured Graeme Dilley to take a ‘5 for’ in the 4^th Test at the MCG).

In contrast the Aussie’s comical week kicked off with the announcement that every able bodied bloke over 12 and under 65 was in the squad for the first Test.  Mike Hussey went on to make a timely century against some friendly bowling and saved his International career but nobody else in the whole of Australia got more than 10.  It was therefore announced that the 13 man squad would remain exactly the same as the very unsuccessful one that has played all year.  That is except Nathan Hauritz.  The selectors had a different and cunning plan in that department.

Nathan’s since proved himself to be the bigger man and kept quiet after being axed from the final squad.  He has, however, had the considerable weight of Shane Warne (calm down, that wasn’t a diet pill pun; he’s retired, lay off him) lending his support.  In the ubiquitous tweeting that follows selections these days, Warne called the decision ‘very harsh’ and admitted Hauritz had deserved ‘first crack at the Poms’.  Hauritz is now the 7^th Spinner to have be dropped by Ricky Ponting since the Fat, Earring wearing, drug- cheating adulterer hung up his Floppy Green Cap.

To make it more like a soap opera, Big Terry Hauritz, Nathan’s father, waded in and accused the selectors of playing mind games.  It’s nowhere near as funny as Mitchell Johnson’s Mum calling his girlfriend 'Bitchy' before the last series.  Still, it conjures up an image of an irrate bloke outside a pub in a plaid shirt and a High- Vis vest, about to drive his Holden pick- up home after a drunken rant (or perhaps that’s just me).

By selecting left arm spinner Xavier Doherty it is crystal clear who they are targeting with their mind games.  The whole world thinks KP is a walking wicket when facing any Left Arm Spinner.  He may have hit an all time low when he got out to Mehrab Hossain’s first ball against the Bangladeshi A team in the Spring and his most recent dismissal was at the hands of Steve O’Keefe against Australia A.  There may have been aproximately 36 other slow left armers of modest repute along the way.  However, as I pointed out in my very first entry, Doherty has a first class bowling average of around 50 and that’s only just a smidgeon better than KP’s own off spinning average of 53.  Even if he flukes KP's wicket, the rest of batting line up down as far as Swan will absolutely smash him.

I am forever optimistic about England; it's in my nature.  I can only see one marker in history and one outcome.  I’m so confident I’ll commit it to writing (safe in the knowledge I can edit entries to this blog long after they are posted).  At this very same ground in the first Test of that ‘85/’86 series, England’s talisman Ian Botham came to the crease after 21 Test’s without a century and scored 138.  He smashed one of Merv Hughes’s over for 22 runs.  KP will do better at the GABBA this week – quote me on it.  Botham’s knock set up our last series victory on Australian soil and the same from KP will set those wheels in motion again.  Backed up by the more dependable types around him, he will shine again and the ‘1930s moustache’ era will be remembered as fondly as the ‘blond streak in his hair’ era.

…And, Just because I know only 3 people will read it before it's announced Here is the very first Alternative Ashes Blog exclusive.  Warwickshire are set to announce Jim Troughton as the new Club Captain tomorrow.  I’d like to be the first to offer Jim all the very best.  Here’s looking forward to a successful year watching Warwickshire from the new pavilion complete with Ashes winners, Bell and Trott, in the middle order and an old school friend as Captain.

Clarke, Watson and the Run Out that Never Was

Australians: Lets get one thing straight. Rugby Union is a minority winter sport in this country reserved for public school boys who aren’t manipulative enough to become Members of Parliament and don’t understand the rules of football. (That is, of course, if you win at Twickenham today. If England win you can chalk it up amongst the world’s greatest ever sporting achievements: the 2003 Rugby World Cup, Ricky Hatton beating Kostya Tszyu and... Bodyline). On the other hand, Cricket is our national sport (and yours), and an Ashes Test is worth a million Rugby matches!

Since my last entry, Sri Lanka completed their first ever series victory on Australian soil. Pretty remarkable when you consider Sri Lanka have been a force for 20 years now (it’s been nearly 15 years since they won the World Cup). The likes of Aravinda De Silva, Arjuna Ranatunga, Sanath Jayasuriya and Chaminda Vaas have all toured our former penal colony without experiencing a series win so these boys can be very proud. They enjoyed it so much that they even let Australia win the third match. I cherish every remaining opportunity to watch Murali bowl and his (unintentional) one handed catch to dismiss Michael Clarke was beautiful. But without doubt the funniest thing to happen in the whole wide world of sport since Michael Clarke’s failed long barrier in the 2005 Twenty20 International at the Rose Bowl was… Michael Clarke’s attempted run out that ended in him hurling the ball into Shane Watson‘s knee from 2 yards away whilst both batsmen were in the opposite crease. If you missed it, follow the link below. I cry every time I watch it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7grSjJJuI-0

Whilst our hosts continue to falter, England have completed two warm up games. Western Australia were beaten thanks to some good bowling on a flat track. Stuart Broad, officially the world’s 4^th best all rounder according to ICC rankings, was man of the match with an accomplished and classy display and Graeme Swan, officially the worlds 5^th best all rounder, took 4 wickets on a flat day 3 WACA pitch. Steven Finn started understandably slow but credit to the skipper for giving him more overs than anyone else on day 3 which allowed him to acclimatise, improve and take 2 second innings wickets. Jimmy was a bit average and questions remain whether he can do real damage in unfriendly conditions. We showed a nice ruthless streak in forcing the victory despite some mediocre totals with the bat (KP and Strauss had good knocks along the way, both ’all rounders’ bludgeoned some late runs but Alistair Cook failed twice).

So going into the second warm up game in Adelaide, what did we want to see? Improvement from Cook, wickets for Jimmy Anderson and runs for the middle order?

What did we get? 111 not out from Cooky, 5 wickets for Jimmy and 94 and 61 from Collingwood and Bell respectively. Andrew Strauss scored his second century of the tour and the only batsman now without a half century on tour is Jonathan Trott whose form is not really a worry. Losing a session to rain meant a victory was impossible inside 3 days but many questions were answered and the performance was excellent.

These performances are all the more impressive when you consider that the two teams we’ve faced have the huge advantage of not having to pick from 6 out of the 7 Aussie States which is, at present, really hampering the Canary Yellow's progress.  Following their series defeat to Sri Lanka, Michael Clarke’s position has been subject to intense speculation. His possible replacement as both Vice and Future Captain, Marcus North, laid down the gauntlet to the cricketing world by posting 19 and 1 against England in Perth. From Barbados to Bangalore there is a sense of anticipated terror considering the stranglehold this man might hold over cricket for years to come!

Julia Gillard: “Will we ever win a Cricket Match again?”

I’ve learnt two important lessons about writing a blog in the last couple of hours:  The first one is that 24 hours is a very long time in blogging.  I’d written about Australia’s twenty20 fixture against Sri Lanka at the weekend but it needed some tweaking and work commitments meant it wasn’t quite ready.   When I turned on the radio today Sri Lanka were 107-8 chasing 238 in the first One Day International between the sides.    It looked like what I’d written would be completely irrelevant as the Aussie’s strolled to a likely 100+ run victory.  The second important lesson was One hour is an equally long time!  Angelo Williams and Lasith Malinga put on 132 for the 9^th Wicket and the Aussies snatched defeat from the jaws of victory.  Luckily most of what I’d written was still bang on and it went a lot like this:

I had hoped to provide positive passages on The Ashes past and present.  I didn’t want to simply dwell on our unfortunate opponents but they are just making it too easy for me!  This week’s defeat against Sri Lanka means the Floppy Greens have only won once in any form of Cricket since we let them win a dead rubber in our One Day Series back on July 3^rd. That solitary win came against Pakistan and, knowing what we do now, perhaps they weren’t even trying to win?  It speaks volumes when the only other high point for Ponting & Co. in the last 5 months was a draw against Derbyshire.

Twenty20 skipper Michael Clarke was a sorry sight as he spoke to Mark Nicholas after the game.  I found his reasoning for Australia’s poor performance at The WACA most curious: “The pitches are a bit different from the ones we’ve been used to on the Indian Sub Continent”.  Exactly where does he think the Sri Lankans play most of their Cricket”?  Probably not in Perth Michael.

Jayawardene, Sangakkara and Dilhsan took it to an ‘experimental’ Australian XI made up exclusively of New South Welshmen and Victorians and earlier on Randiv had claimed 3-24 including the two key wickets of Smith and Hussey, who might have otherwise cut loose in the closing stages.

With the ball, Peter Siddle’s figures of 1-34 weren’t pretty but his pace and general performance means he throws his hat back into the ring for a Test spot.  He’ll likely compete with Hilfenhaus, ‘Slugger’ Johnson, Bollinger and Hauritz.  Nothing too special amongst any of them and I don’t think anyone knows which combination is best.  On the contrary, I think we knew England’s bowling attack even before Steven Finn stepped out of strength and conditioning training to claim 13 wickets against Pakistan at an average 22.  Assuming they remain injury free Jimmy, Broardy and Swanny will line up alongside Finn.

Today’s defeat in Melbourne must rank amongst the most worrying in recent history for the men in Budgerigar Yellow.  Not being able to finish off a dying opponent is the not a characteristic associated with any Aussie sports team.  They are renowned for their ruthlessness.  The breaking news is that the Welsh Prime Minister of Australia has called a crisis meeting in Canberra to ask the question, “Will we ever win a Cricket Match again?”