Too much One Day Cricket making you want to punch the closest Indian Television Executive square in the face?

It's been a long time since I wrote anything (apart from orders, such is how busy I am with work these days).  There is, however, a little Cricket Tournament going on in South Asia at the moment and I thought it might be interesting to see how it's all going.

In 2009, I officially retired from One Day Internationals.  Before you rush to wikipedia to see how many ODI caps I actually earned, I will clarify: I mean as a spectator.  It wasn't sour grapes because Australia had thrashed us 6-1 in the series that followed the victorious Ashes campaign that Summer.  I made the decision to switch off before the Nat West Series (as did most of the England players in spirit, if not physically) so please don't accuse me otherwise.  I just feared for my relationship with the world outside of Cricket if I allowed myself to get immersed in 7 more matches having spent the previous few months prioritising Cricket ahead of eating and breathing. 

I stand by that decision today, whilst making exceptions like this for the major tournaments.  But, I am more than a little perplexed by the format and duration of this World Cup which, it would appear, is not set to finish until Christmas 2013 with a seven match Final series between India and who ever else the TV companies want to see in the Final.  So far we have miss- match after miss- match with Canada and Kenya looking as bad in the short form of the game as the Australian's do in Test Cricket: watching Canada dismissed for 67 is just as ugly as watching Doug Bollinger try to bowl with the red ball.  This has been exacerbated by the likes of Bangladesh, West Indies and New Zealand being made to look no better than the associate members against the South African, Indian and (yes) Australian One Day powerhouses.

The footnote rolled out faster than one of Phil Tufnell's special cigarettes in an Aukland wash room is that the number of teams will reduce by two for the next world cup.  This doesn't wash with me... You can have a far better tournament with the same number of teams by simply changing the format to 4 groups in the initial stages.  Bloody obvious to everyone in the World other than Indian Television executives.   Our own domestic Twenty 20 clearly illustrates the danger of introducing too many meaningless games to a tournament.  Two years ago there were 3 home group games which were all sell- outs with the kind of atmospheres reserved for Internationals or Cup Finals.  Last year, in a similar format to this world cup, there were 8 or 9 home games in the group phase that were played out in front of empty stadiums.

I've started to rant a bit there but what I am trying to illustrate is that there is too much One Day Cricket at the moment.  Tournaments are too long and noboddy needs a 7 match series squeezed in between the Ashes and the World Cup.  Looking at attendances at the World Cup so far, even the Indian public would seem to agree and it will ultimately be the billion or so of them who decide with their wallets.


Unfortunately, the only exception to the one sided affairs we've seen so far was England coming within a whisker of losing to Holland.  Jimmy, Broady and the men picking the team have to shoulder most of the blame as we just managed to bat ourselves out of trouble in the end.  Let's hope our two best quick bowlers come to the party against India on Sunday or we'll be suffering the same fate as our Caribbean, Kiwi or Bangladeshi friends.  Bresnan bowled alright and Swan was good but we really need Yardy in there too offering some variety with his left- armers.  The big question is who to leave out - Colly or Ravi.  Both too similar and one has to make way.  It's a difficult call that needs to be made if our bowling attack can threaten and subdue the big boys.  Personally I'd give Colly the nod over Ravi and see how things go.

Whilst we can truly consider ourselves one of the Big 3 of Test Cricket and the rightful World Champions at Twenty 20, we go into this tournament with an outside chance at best and well behind that of India, Sri Lanka, Australia and South Africa.  The Aussie's have won the last two under Television- botherer Ricky Ponting's captaincy.  Let's hope the only hat trick he has in Trophy Room when its all over is his hat trick of Ashes defeats.  I'm off to fabricate my own International career on Wikipedia... I don't know when I'll be back.

Blitzkreig Blog: ALL OUT FOR 98!!

OH MY ME!

Sometimes you have to wait until Boxing Day for a special type of gift.  There's still a chance I'm actually dreaming!  Bowled out for 98 in front of 520,000 spectators at the MCG and normal service has been resumed.  Only 14 blokes and a couple of Sheila's remained to see England over take the Aussie total at a canter and establish a 59 run lead without losing a wicket.  Either that, or it's an Aussie tradition to dress as an empty seat in the afternoon session of the Boxing Day Test.

I will now personally be writing to Kofi Annan and Ban Ki Moon at the United Nations to have Perth struck off as a venue for International Test Match Cricket.  You simply can't have a pitch that makes the world best lose so emphatically to a team of village cricket standard seamers like what happened last week.  Everyone involved with cricket in Western Australia should be thoroughly embarrassed.  It's just not bloody acceptable and I'd rather play in the mud at Hobart

Ricky Ponting's average for the series slipped to 15.5 after another fine innings of 10 for the once great Australian batsman and Michael Hussey wasn't able to perform his regular rescue mission as he was one of six catches for Matthew Prior, this time off the bowling off Jimmy Anderson.  If you are one of the few people who read my last blog (you can't just read it when we're winning folks) you will have noted my prediction that Anderson would shine in Melbourne.  With figures of 4-44 he didn't disappoint.

Back with more soon.  Now go and make up with the family members you drunkenly insulted over dinner yesterday...

Capacity crowd of 1.2 million is expected for Boxing Day Test

Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is two Test Match Victories and a World Cup.  And maybe some Paul Smith socks and a book or two.  But mainly the Test Matches please...


Now, some of my favourite cricket grounds are charming: Set amongst rolling hills with old wooden pavilions and horse chestnut trees overhanging the boundaries.  The MCG is a different type of arena all together.  I've not been lucky enough to watch any cricket there.  On my only visit to Melbourne I took a tour of the ground and it was immense.  It made me feel like an excited child:  I wore my full England One Day Kit and had my photo taken in the players box.  The only Cricket I saw was Victoria against South Australia at the Junction Oval in St. Kilda.  As an English back packer it was a chance to shout a bit at Jason Gillespie (it was the January following our 2005 series win).

England's record at The MCG reads a whole lot easier than our doom- laden past in Perth.  In 53 Test Matches Australia have won 27 and England have won 19 (there have been 7 draws and one match abandoned due to rain).  Whilst it's not quite 50/50 but it's getting closer!  More worrying, perhaps, is that Australia have lost just once at The MCG in the last 10 years.

Rumours abound that Groundsman Cameron Hodgkins has been asked to prepare the quickest and bounciest pitch in the ground's long history.  He strongly denies this but I wouldn't be surprised if the Aussie's look to gain every possible advantage in the series.  It's actually something I've admired about them during their period of dominance and I'm often disappointed how comfortable we make things for touring sides on our shores.  With history to guide us, we can only assume that the conditions will be much more comfortable for our batsmen.  I'll be hoping we win the toss and bat after which the most difficult thing for Cooky and the skipper will be coping with the 1.2 million spectators expected to attend day 1.  If they get over that it should be good to bat on and Swanny can play more of a roll later on.  I also expect our man Jimmy Anderson to put in a performance.  Johnson might have got the swing in Perth and he may well do again in Melbourne.  On the other hand he might bowl wide long hops all day and need emotional counselling through the lunch and tea intervals.  In Perth Jimmy had just done a 48 hour round trip home for the birth of his new baby.  And so he should...  I wouldn't have it any other way.  This time out, however,  his preparations will have been better and he'll show why he's regarded as one of the top two fast bowlers in the world.

I don't expect any changes from Australia.  Injured Ponting looks set to compete and build on his impressive series average of 16.  Fingers crossed (pun intended) he continues this run of form.  I also don't expect England to make changes.  I think that resting Finn would be a very bad move.  I don't think we'd look anywhere near as good with two thirds of our first choice seam attack sidelined.  I'm then in two minds with regards to Collingwood.  On form, I'd leave him out and play Timothy Bresnan.  He's more than capable of batting better than Collingwood has in recent efforts and offers a credible fourth seamer option.  As previously alluded to , Colly does have the odd massive score in him and I'm almost certain the change won't happen.

I will reserve my most vitriolic of seasonal wishes to anyone planning to stay up and watch or listen to the Boxing Day Test.

But... Merry Christmas one and all whether you're eating prawns and salads in 'Stralia or tucking into a roast back home.

2006 at The MCG (pitch being prepared for the Commonwealth Games)

Cancel Christmas... The Aussies have finally turned up.

England had managed just one solitary win at The WACA in eleven attempts since the inaugural Test Match in 1970 but every run has to come to an end, right?  With Australia at 69-5 on day one, it looked to all the civilised world that win number two was just around the corner and The Ashes were to be retained by Christmas.  It was going to represent another psychological advantage wrestled away from the Aussies that would continue to resonate as we dominated them for the next twenty- five years, right?  Wrong.

Only the most optimistic Australian could have envisaged the turn around and writing anything in such circumstances is hard but trying to impart humour is nigh- on impossible.

I recall July and August of 2006 when we played Pakistan.  We seemed to have the measure of them in every department except the one man who we couldn’t get out.  In that series it was Mohammad Yousuf who made 631 runs in the 4 matches (which we still admittedly won 3-0*).  Michael BLOODY Hussey is bringing back those memories as we don’t seem to have a plan to get him out and he’s (almost) single-handedly prevented Australia from registering consistent scores of around 150.  The rest of the top six look useless (to be fair, Watson looks average).  In a parallel universe Hussey didn’t notch 118 for W.A. against Victoria in November, saving his international career.  In that universe he was dropped and he immediately retired a broken and bitter man.  In that universe Steven Smith came in to the Aussie batting line and averaged 16 for three Tests that England dominated and won easily.  Such are the margins...  We are not living in that universe but in one where Michael Hussey has been the Australian Man of The Series by a million miles.

The Australian comeback kicked- off on day one when Mitchell Johnson and the tail added 80 quick runs to move their first innings total on from under 190 to 268.  Momentum noticeably swung.  He then did what we know he can do with the ball but let’s hope he’s back to spraying it all over the place at The MCG as he’s equally as capable of doing.

I still retained my optimism as we started our second innings.  Aftreall we'd had a double centurions in each of the preceeding Test Matches.  At three wickets down I still thought Ian Bell would make a big hundred so long as he had sufficient support.  The reality was simply terrible and just as England had won so well as a team, they collapsed as a team in spectacular fashion.  Only the new comer Chris Tremlett can take any personal satisfaction from his performance.  The batting was indefensible... KP’s second innings dismissal was the worst of the lot.

People will ask if there should be changes.  I don’t imagine there will be but there was a case even before this Test Match for Bell to move to number five and for Eoin Morgan or Timothy Bresnan to be bought in.  It has been a while since Colly made a significant contribution with the bat but he has a habit of punctuating mediocre form with battling centuries that cement his place in the team.

Our horrendous run of results in Perth continues:  No psychological advantage gained there.  The only run that was ended this week was Australia’s run without a Test Match Victory.  On to Melbourne where a Series that looked like a walk over has a whole load of new life in it.

Game on.

Australian Bowling 'Attack': Terrible or Useless?

I spent most of Monday fretting about the weather in Adelaide.  Under normal circumstances this would have been a curious affliction.   After all, I was sat in a North London showroom in sub- zero temperatures preparing for one of my most important appointments of the year.  I tried to write a quick blog in the evening but I couldn’t fathom quite how I felt about our late declaration.  I didn’t want to be negative after the excellent cricket we’d played for 4 days but everybody from Sir Ian Botham to Perksy was telling me it was going rain feral cats and dingo’s all day in Adelaide and we’d blown our chance.

It transpired that my worrying was little more than wasted energy (a bit like Ryan Harris bothering walk out to the wicket to bat).  That’s energy I won’t get back (and nor will he) and will be chalked up in the same column as running for buses that I am destined to miss: Some things you just can’t effect.

My intention was to stay up for the first half hour with a mince pie and glass of wine and hope we picked up an early wicket...  Then the wickets began to tumble, the adrenaline (and extra glasses of Chianti) kicked in and I was still up to celebrate victory at 1am and what an absolute bloody pleasure.

“Swan, Swan will tear you apart again” sang by the Army to the tune of Joy Division.  Nobody does repetition better than the Barmy Army.  If I could have been anywhere else on earth that night, it would have been under that scoreboard in South Australia.

The final winning margin of an innings and 71 runs is a handsome victory against anyone.  We gave them one hell of a beating and it’s difficult to know where the Australians turn to next.  My old friend ‘Clever’ Simon Katich picked up a nasty Achilles injury and he’s out of the series  Both the back- up batsmen in their midst are rookie middle- order types so they’re likely to turn to the equally academic Philip Hughes.  I guess if we keep an eye on his twitter account we’ll know if he’s been picked long before the selectors do.  Opening partner Shane Watson will keep his place and no doubt make two starts without capitalising on either.

In the middle order, Ponting contributed 9 runs to the Australian cause this week but he’ll plaster on a fake veil of confidence and continue to plug away at number three.  Fair play to The Pup, who showed a bit of fight and form in the second innings to make it one good knock from four whilst Hussey and Haddin continue to be the two best Australians on view.  If you picked a team (on form) from both sets of players, they’d be the only two Aussie’s with a look in.

Further down the card the Aussie’s have a car crash to pick from.  Average jobber Marcus North has probably seen his last chance slip away.  No sympathy from me, he’s married to a Mackem: fuck him, good riddance.  The new Shane Warne, Xavier Doherty, turned in figures of 1-158.  He might have got KP out but KP had already made 227 runs and that’s alright by me.  Back to Park Cricket for you my son.

 Lastly, there’s the fast bowling ‘attack’ of Siddle, Harris and Bollinger???  I’m having a drawn out internal dialogue with myself but I just can’t seem to decide whether they’re absolutely terrible or completely useless and it could take me weeks to figure it out.  Terrible or useless, terrible or useless??? There is only a cigarette paper between the two and I need more time to make a decision.

So, with the Katich change forced on the selectors, they’ve then got five other blokes there ranging from absolutely terrible to completely useless to carve out a line- up for Perth.  Anyone thinking Ben Hilfenhaus is the answer is either the optimistic and brain- damaged ghost of Steve Irwin the Crocodile Hunter or Ben Hifenhaus’s Mum.  They will definitely have to take a chance on ‘Slugger’ Johnson who can be a match winner even though in his current form wouldn’t get him into the Scotland side.  

Meanwhile as Australia has to make between 3 and 6 changes, England’s only change will be for the injured Stuart Broad.  I think we can all share in his pain.  In stark contrast to the Canary Yellow’s, England have  3 pace bowlers all vying for that one place in the team.  The first class match in Melbourne this week will be great to watch as Tremlett, Bresnan and Shazad (currently in that order) all stake their claims for a starting spot.  Stuart Broad will hopefully be back for the World Cup and he has a long career ahead of him... Have a safe journey home Stuart – we salute you.

Blitzkrieg Blog One

During the course of the match I’m going to write some lightning- quick updates on the action.  It’s fair to say that I’m more than a little pleased with myself for coming up with the pun- tastic title for these shorter entries.   If only I’d thought of it when we were still playing at the GABBA, hey?

Nice one Maxee.  Why thank you.

 **************************

Day one has been a dream.  In a contest that should be re- billed “England versus Hussey and Hadin”, we have the old enemy in a head lock so tight that the flow of oxygen is almost cut off already.

Now, I’ve met Simon Katich and whilst I can confirm that he’s a bloody lovely bloke, he’s not the sharpest knife in the block: far from it.  He managed to prove it today by getting run out before facing a single delivery.  Ponting then tragically deprived us of seeing another batting master class as he went for a first ball duck.  Clarke soon followed and it looks to all the world that the long term Captain-in-waiting might have to retire on the grounds he has the body of a 90 year old woman.  It’s a cruel irony for the man known as Pup because of his resemblance to a young seal being eaten by a shark.  Sorry, no...  It’s actually because he came into the team so young and looked so youthful and I guess that’s where the irony lies when you think about it.

Hussey and Hadin rallied but not to the extent of last week and England dismissed the Cons for 245.  Pretty good effort that.  Anderson was just beautiful but everyone chipped in with wickets and the fielding was superb.

Swanny took two wickets on Day 1 and got some turn and bounce which bodes very well for the latter sages.

Reflections on Brisbane and how a pub door set up the Summer of 2005

If I’m honest, I got a bit bored reading back my ‘report’ on Day 1.  I’d hardly be deserving of the label ‘Alternative’ if all I did was report on the day’s action.  I’m certainly up for a bit of reflection on our performance but I’ll follow it with a Second Test related story that sounds great in my head and will hopefully transfer well to the page.

Some drawn matches feel like victories whilst others have a tiresome sense of inevitability about them.  Cardiff in 2009 was like a resounding victory as battling Monty Panesar and Jimmy ‘The Wall’ Anderson saw off the Aussie’s final 69 balls.  The result was as crucial as any win and helped to set up our eventual 2-1 series victory.  Other high scoring affairs, like 4 out of the 5 Tests on our dull tour of the Caribbean in 2009,  disappear up their own arses in boring run- fests.  This Test match is the first that I can remember that had both.  With a 221 run deficit to overhaul, the feeling of victory snatched from the jaws of crushing defeat occurred on Day 4.  Strauss and Cook played gloriously and most, if not all, of the hard work was done.  By Day 5 the Australian bowling attack looked like a pub team and the pitch was never going to give them the help they desperately needed.  Mitchell ‘Slugger’ Johnson looked so comically bad that we can only hope he keeps his place in Adelaide and turns in a similar performance.  (STOP PRESS: Punter has just confirmed Big Mitch has been dropped – damn!)

There were two crucial turning points from the purely partisan English perspective:

Firstly, Pretty Peter Siddle’s hat trick meant that our probable first innings score of a below par 350 was reduced to a very below par 260.  No arguments, it was a brilliant spell of bowling but there was more than a little luck involved.  Siddle is an angry, aggressive and useful bowler but he’ll never be one the greats.  Unfortunately he had his greatest ever day on Day 1 of this Test Match with a little help from Matty Prior's shot selection.  By days 4 and 5 he'd returned to his normal average standard.

Secondly, England came out and bowled beautifully with the new ball on the Day 3.  Jimmy had an LBW against Hussey correctly overturned by a whisker on review.  A couple of balls later, he had him plumb.  It was so good he got him out twice:  Once on each pad.  Umpire Dar gave it not out in a decision mainly influenced by not wanting to be proved wrong on appeal twice in two overs.  Hussey went on to make 195.  If that decision had gone our way I believe we would have bowled Australia out for around 320 max, cosidering the way we riped through their top and lower order.

So we move on to Adelaide knowing that our top three are in good form and that the Oval down there in South Australia should mean your hero, and mine, Graham Swann comes into things on days 4 and 5 after a batsmen friendly start to the Test Match.  Winning the toss will be very useful.


My promised story relates to the Second Test in 2005 (a tenuous link, but one I'm prepared to exploit).  I’d handed my notice in at work that summer so I could watch every ball of the series before setting out on a round- the- world trip of a life time.  The First Test had provided a reality check but, with the Second Test going our way, my flat mate Perksy and I had started to step up the pace.  We spent Friday watching every ball and drinking our way through one or two crates of whatever was on offer in Tesco’s whilst enjoying various other indulgences.  Saturday kicked off like every other day of that series would.  One of us did the beer run whilst the other made a fry up.  Our bodies were simply temples of cricket watching and excessive consumption.  With England progressing to what looked like a comfortable victory, Perksy went off to join his then Girlfriend (now wife) and another couple for a romantic picnic by the river (there are some things I'll never understand about him)!  I spent the evening baiting Australian tourists around Stratford upon Avon with my repertoire of Barmy Army standards learnt at Edgbaston over the previous couple of years.  The next morning I woke up fully clothed on top of my bed with a pizza box stuck to the side of my face and went into the living room to see that The Aussie’s had rallied and were on the brink of victory but with just one wicket in hand.  I frantically called Perksy around 100 times or more only for it to go straight to answer phone.  I eventually threw myself to the floor in a dramatic dive that Christiano Ronaldo would have been proud of and watched the rest from ground level.  I was really very upset at the time that my partner in crime had let me down so badly.

Meanwhile Perksy’s night had gone ‘something’ like this...  The romantic picnic hadn’t gone as planned.  With a belly full of Ale, the poor lad had done himself a mischief and ended up skinny dipping in the river Avon.  Later he'd tried to enter a number of public houses only to be refused entry.  Recognising the injustice of the situation Perksy had enthusiastically rapped on the 15 foot Oak door of one of the pubs with his knuckles.  It was nothing more than a polite gesture designed to capture the publican’s attention.  However, the rest of the night and the following morning was spent in A&E having his broken hand fixed where he, evidentially... had no phone reception.

When Michael Kasprowicz nurdled a leg side glance into the hands of Geraint Jones I was crying with joy whilst Perksy was just leaving the hospital unaware of the drama that had played out at Edgbaston or in our front room.  However the cloud had a very silver lining as Perksy was signed off work for the remainder of the series, unable to carry out his duties as the UK’s least successful Travelling Photo Copier Sales Man.  Hence our routine was cemented for the entire Summer.  That wonderful Summer of 2005.



Perksy: Legendary England Cricket Supporter